Today I started a blog. It’s called teamwhitmore.wordpress.com. My name is John Whitmore (hence the name Team Whitmore). I live in Texas, where I have pretty much lived my whole life. (I lived in the ATL (that’s Atlanta, GA, for the layman) for a short period of time when I was in first grade). I’m 25 years old and finally realizing that I’m starting to get old. I went to a Death Cab for Cutie concert on Friday and found that I would be charged with statutory rape if I had slept with any one of my fellow female concert attendees. I did not feel like that “Cool Older Guy”; I felt like that “Jesus that guy is old” guy; that “Hey, that guy could buy us beer if we hang out with him” guy. I saw people drinking that looked ten years younger than me. Which means, either 1) fake IDs are getting better or 2) my youth is slowly slipping away from me. They say that the 30s are the new 20s. That is, in fact, bullshit. 25 is the new 35. Truth is, I make sure each girl I date is years younger than me so I feel like a cool, young stud.
What does this all mean? I’ve decided to grow up a little bit. This means a few less dick jokes. No more soaking my liver in Miller Lite. Also, no more concerts where the band has become famous through appearances on the O.C. I’m thinking about moving away from the place of my birth (sorry Dallas). And, I will continue to date girls in their 20s… forever.
Well, that sums up my first post. I could sit here and think of how to make it more funny or more intriguing, but I’m at work and I could be fired if I’m seen trying to edit my brilliance (which will hopefully come to fruition in later posts). Talk to you soon.
12 Comments
April 5, 2006 at 7:10 pm
Wait…you can get fired for blogging at work?
April 5, 2006 at 7:20 pm
No more dick jokes? but that’s all that makes you funny and intriguing.
April 5, 2006 at 8:11 pm
Not bad for your first post. I do feel like shooting myself after that though, so I guess the innate depressive state comes across quite evidently in your writing. All that said, you are convincing and interesting at the least. I look forward to the inevitable demise of you or the rising of your brilliance. can’t wait to see how it plays out.
PS: D!ck jokes are always funny, breasticle jokes are better.
April 5, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Whitmore, worry not for age opens doors that are not normally open to the younger. Look at where your at now, your working for a company in Las Colinas. Age is something that all must suffer, but with it comes experience and wisdom.
PS: I will always be your superior
April 5, 2006 at 11:17 pm
Girls in their 20’s are hot. I like your post…
April 6, 2006 at 3:43 am
Congratulations. Your first blog. I think you are on to something.
Here’s some advice. 25 blew for me too. 32 isn’t much better, but the stress of being old is gone.
You will go to concerts again.
You should never give up dick jokes.
And yes, girls in there 20’s will always look good.
Keep up the great work and we will all continue to be entertained by you!
April 6, 2006 at 4:21 am
Hey look on the bright side, you can always point out my shortcomings to make you feel better about yourself. You never do that.
P.S. You’ve been working on this for three months and this is what you came up with? Maybe you should find somthing else to do at work.
April 6, 2006 at 12:11 am
whats a blog?
April 6, 2006 at 2:44 am
two things. don’t give up dick OR fart jokes. if you do, you’ll become a vip member of the matlock fan club. two, if you move from dallas,i’ll slash your tires and kick your ass! your better than that! your my rock . calm down, it will get better.
April 6, 2006 at 11:44 am
Well, I am also trying to avoid working, so I’m glad I have something as comical as this to entertain me this morning!
Sadly, if you could be accused of stat rape, then you probably are the beer buying guy. But everyone in high school has to find someone to do that, right? Maybe you should reconsider actually being that dude, though. Just a suggestion.
My own old ass has a couple of years on ya, and I have to go with the majority here and say that dick jokes never get old; my own liver is still trying to process the great tasting, less filling Miller Lite that I pickled it with last night; and I will be rockin out at concerts for many years to come (even if I am sore for 2 days afterwards as I became painfully aware of my own age after the recent Toadies show on St. Patty’s)!
So, please keep the brilliant humor coming, but don’t get fired…you ARE too old for that.
April 7, 2006 at 10:50 am
Personally, I’d welcome less dick jokes. I’m your sister. The thought of you actually having sex conjures up horror and a slight swell of vomit.
April 8, 2006 at 11:03 am
John, not to worry everyone gets old, what you need to remember is that there is always some old guy with a hot 20 year old on his arm and don’t forget what makes you the happiest, your friends and family. They, no matter how old you get, will always be there.